Sex addiction
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Are You a Sex Addict?
Sex is, and should be, a very private act. It is the most basic of human needs, the need to procreate for survival of the species. Sex is variously touted as normal, healthy, invigorating, refreshing, rejuvenating, and pleasurable. It is all of these, of course, when conducted by consenting adults without any coercion or inducement or intent to cause harm. But sex has its dark side as well, one that consumes millions of Americans. Conservative estimates put sexual addiction at between 3 and 5 percent of the population – and these are derived only from people who seek treatment. In reality, the number of individuals with sexual addiction is likely much higher. So much for the statistics, but what you really want to know is how you can tell if you are a sex addict. First, it’s important to state that what is considered normal and healthy sex and what is abnormal, compulsive and addictive sex varies according to the person, their core set of beliefs and the context in which the sexual behavior is considered. Just because you love sex doesn’t make you a sex addict. It’s much more complicated than that.
Three Overriding Criteria
In essence, a sexual addiction is characterized by three overriding criteria.
• Loss of control – The sexual addict experiences a feeling of complete loss of control over sexual activities that have spiraled out-of-control.
• Consequences – The sexual addict continues to engage in obsessive and compulsive sexual acts and thoughts despite serious and continuing negative consequences.
• Preoccupation – The sexual addict constantly thinks about sexual acts, devising ways to engage in sexual acts, dreaming about sexual acts. This occurs even when the individual doesn’t want to nor has any intention to do so.
No Single Behavior
Sexual addiction comes in many different forms. As a result, there isn’t a single behavior that you can point to that encompasses all of sexual addiction. Likewise, you don’t have to engage in all of the various behaviors in order to have a sexual addiction. Sexually addictive behavior includes behavior that ranges from obsessively reading pornographic material and masturbating to exploitation of others for sex.
Is There A Self Test?
The short answer is, “Yes.” But, again, it’s more complicated that just a simple affirmative. The pioneer in sexual addiction therapy is Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. He is one of the country’s first professionals to work with individuals seeking to determine if they had a sexual addiction and to overcome it. Dr. Carnes designed the Sex Addiction Screening Test (SAST) as a tool that is helpful in determining whether or not an individual has a problem with sexual addiction.
• Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?
• Did your parents have trouble with sexual behavior?
• Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
• Do you feel that your sexual behavior is not normal?
• Do you ever feel bad about your sexual behavior?
• Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like?
• Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?
• Are any of your sexual activities against the law?
• Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual activity and failed?
• Do you hide some of your sexual behaviors from others?
• Have you attempted to stop some parts of your sexual activity?
• Have you felt degraded by your sexual behaviors?
• When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards?
• Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire?
• Have important parts of your life (such as job, family, friends, leisure activities) been neglected because you were spending too much time on sex?
• Do you ever think your sexual desire is stronger than you are?
• Is sex almost all you think about?
• Has sex (or romantic fantasies) been a way for you to escape your problems?
• Has sex become the most important thing in your life?
• Are you in crisis over sexual matters?
• Has the Internet created sexual problems for you?
• Do you spend too much time online for sexual purposes?
• Have you purchased services online for erotic purposes (sites for dating, pornography, fantasy and friend finder)?
• Have you used the Internet to make romantic or erotic connections with people online?
• Have people in your life been upset about your sexual activities online?
• Have you attempted to stop you online sexual behaviors?
• Have you subscribed to or regularly purchased or rented sexually explicit materials (magazines, videos, books or online pornography)?
• Have you been sexual with minors?
• Have you spent considerable time and money on strip clubs, adult bookstores and movie houses?
• Have you engaged prostitutes and escorts to satisfy your sexual needs?
• Have you spent considerable time surfing pornography online?
• Have you used magazines, videos or online pornography even when there was considerable risk of being caught by family members who would be upset by your behavior?
• Have you regularly purchased romantic novels or sexually explicit magazines?
• Have you stayed in romantic relationships after they became emotionally or physically abusive?
• Have you traded sex for money or gifts?
• Have you maintained multiple romantic or sexual relationships at the same time?
• After sexually acting out, do you sometimes refrain from all sex for a significant period?
• Have you regularly engaged in sadomasochistic behavior?
• Do you visit sexual bath-houses, sex clubs, or adult video/bookstores as part of your regular sexual activity?
• Have you engaged in unsafe or “risky” sex even though you knew it could cause you harm?
• Have you cruised public restrooms, rest areas or parks looking for sex with strangers?
• Do you believe casual or anonymous sex has kept you from having more long-term intimate relationships?
• Has your sexual behavior put you at risk for arrest for lewd conduct or sexual indecency?
• Have you been paid for sex?
The self-assessment here is for heterosexual male sexual addiction screening test and is reprinted with permission from Dr. Carnes. Note that Dr. Carnes has designed numerous self-assessments, covering various aspects of sexual activity. As such, there are self-tests for cyber sex addiction, gay men sexual addiction screening test, women’s sexual addiction screening test, and more. For more information and to benefit from invaluable resources, visit SexHelp.com, GentlePath.com, and RecoveryZone.com.
Getting Help and Other Resources
If you answered yes to a majority of the questions in the self-assessment, or if you already know or suspect that you have a sexual addiction, you may be ready to explore further what you can do about it. A valuable resource, one that is unbiased and unaffiliated with any specific 12-step group or treatment facility is the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health. Treatment for sexual addiction is available at facilities specializing in this type of addiction. These include residential treatment facilities as well as outpatient clinics. In addition, individual counseling is available. Look for a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT), one who has extensive training, including critical concepts and supervision in working with sex addicts. You can find a certified sex addiction therapist through the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals. These CSAT therapists are all members of the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health. Also inquire if the therapist offers group therapy in addition to individual therapy. Ask if there are any psycho-educational materials and workshops available. Remember, though, that treatment may last from 3 to 5 years, depending on the extent of the sexual addiction and readiness to change.
In addition, your therapist will recommend that you participate in 12-step groups. Even if you’re not ready for therapy yet – or feel you can’t afford it - you may wish to check out any of these five fellowships, all part of an Interfellowship Forum. These are 12-step groups focused on recovery from sexual addiction. Attendance is free and each has numerous meeting locations and other means of interacting (online meetings, telephone meetings). It may take you a while to find the right group to feel comfortable with and participate in. Most of the fellowships recommend that you attend at least 6 meetings to be able to adequately make that determination. You will find that each group has a different philosophy about sexual addiction and the recovery process.
• Sexaholics Anonymous, 1-800-477-8191.
• Sex Addicts Anonymous, 1-866-424-8777.
• Sex And Love Addicts Anonymous, 1-781-255-8825.
• Sexual Recovery Anonymous, 1-212-340-4650.
• Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, 1-800-977-HEAL.
While there may not be a meeting location in your immediate area, each fellowship has a wealth of information, literature, FAQs, self-tests and other resources available on their sites that may prove helpful to you. Investigate what each has to offer. If you need more assistance, feel free to contact them by phone or email.
Recommended Books
Finding help through the maze of self-doubt, remorse, guilt, shame and obsession with sex can be difficult. In addition to counseling, treatment, attendance at 12-step meetings and family counseling, many individuals find comfort and help through books and literature devoted to the subject of sexual addiction. Here are a few recommendations.
Patrick Carnes:
• A Gentle Path Through the 12 Steps
• Contrary To Love
• Don’t Call It Love
• Facing The Shadows
• In The Shadows Of The Net, Patrick Carnes, David Delmonico and Elizabeth Griffin
• Open Hearts – Renewing Relationships With Recovery, Romance & Reality
• Out Of The Shadows
• Recovery Start Kit – The First 130 Days
• Sexual Anorexia
• The Betrayal Bond
• The Clinical Management Of Sex Addiction, Patrick Carnes and Kenneth Adams
Other Books:
• Cybersex Unhooked, David Delmonico and Elizabeth Griffin
• Cruise Control, Rob Weiss
• Disclosing Secrets, Deborah Corley and Jennifer Schneider
• Mending A Shattered Heart – A Guide For Partners Of Sex Addicts, Stephanie Carnes
• Ready To Heal – Women Facing Love, Sex & Relationship Issues, Kelly McDaniel
• Untangling The Web – Sex, Porn & Fantasy Obsession, Robert Weiss, Jennifer Schneider
• When He’s Married To Mom, Kenneth Adams
• Women, Sex & Addiction, Charlotte Kasl
• 6 Principles For Achieving Personal Balance, James B. Lewis
All of the abovementioned books, as well as CDs and DVDs, are available through GentlePath.com and SexHelp.com.
Can You Recover From Sexual Addiction?
That’s the bottom line, isn’t it? With a genuine desire to overcome sexual addiction and persistence and dedication to go through the hard work to successfully do so, you can do it. Recognize that it will take time and that your best assurance that you won’t relapse into the same dysfunctional sexual patterns is if your partner or spouse (and family, if appropriate) also becomes involved in your treatment, and attends support group meetings for friends/family. For partners, couples therapy and 12-step meetings offer the most favorable recovery potential.
More Information & Resources
See also sexual addiction treatment
